makes me want to start a new blog.
if you know me, you'll be able to find it.
August 31, 2008
hot damn.
over a year. so many changes i won't even bother to qualify them here.
i was looking over my older posts, many of them at a point in reference to toronto: would i like it here? will it ever become familiar, become home?
yes. yes it has. and yes. yes i do.
over the past year i've started to uncover my own toronto, as opposed to the one that i saw through someone else's (most often a toronto native's) eye. i've learned that my favourite toronto is west queen west early sunday morning, around 10 am - when everyone is still tucked into their homes recovering from last night's revelry, and the street is like a ghost town. i love picking up a coffee and walking down the street towards work.
i've learned to love my own secret places, where my own secret stories have unfolded. the european section of the rom. craftburger. quad spin. levack block. buying flowers on west queen west. little india. queen's park. the beacher cafe. leslieville. prague - the european deli.
prague feels like home to me. not like, actual czech republic home, because i never lived there... but weirdo immigrantchild ottawa home to me. it's cucumber salad. it's knedlo (dumplings) and zelo (cabbage) that my mom still makes. no matter how many times she entreats me to learn, it's comforting to know that in case i do not, there's a place where i can still eat like home. it's picking up a food product where i know what it inside the packaging, but not know how to read the label. it's the colours, sounds, and tastes of growing up. it's this new bizarro hybrid of feeling stuck in the middle of being a grown up and a kid.
i was looking over my older posts, many of them at a point in reference to toronto: would i like it here? will it ever become familiar, become home?
yes. yes it has. and yes. yes i do.
over the past year i've started to uncover my own toronto, as opposed to the one that i saw through someone else's (most often a toronto native's) eye. i've learned that my favourite toronto is west queen west early sunday morning, around 10 am - when everyone is still tucked into their homes recovering from last night's revelry, and the street is like a ghost town. i love picking up a coffee and walking down the street towards work.
i've learned to love my own secret places, where my own secret stories have unfolded. the european section of the rom. craftburger. quad spin. levack block. buying flowers on west queen west. little india. queen's park. the beacher cafe. leslieville. prague - the european deli.
prague feels like home to me. not like, actual czech republic home, because i never lived there... but weirdo immigrantchild ottawa home to me. it's cucumber salad. it's knedlo (dumplings) and zelo (cabbage) that my mom still makes. no matter how many times she entreats me to learn, it's comforting to know that in case i do not, there's a place where i can still eat like home. it's picking up a food product where i know what it inside the packaging, but not know how to read the label. it's the colours, sounds, and tastes of growing up. it's this new bizarro hybrid of feeling stuck in the middle of being a grown up and a kid.
April 17, 2007
love and some verses
tonight i was standing over the sink, bending to spit toothpaste down the drain and rinse.
when i looked up, i caught a flash of myself when i was ten, wearing a tshirt and boxers to bed,
freckles standing out more than they do now, hair just about as blond.
it made me miss the possibilities you felt as a kid, the world ahead all about "growing up".
i wouldn't go back for a million dollars, but still felt a little melancholic nonetheless.
on a side note, i'm absolutely in love with burt's bees honey lip balm. for anyone that suffers chronic dry lips like myself, i love how it moisturises without making me feel like the balm is slowly eating away at my lips.
when i looked up, i caught a flash of myself when i was ten, wearing a tshirt and boxers to bed,
freckles standing out more than they do now, hair just about as blond.
it made me miss the possibilities you felt as a kid, the world ahead all about "growing up".
i wouldn't go back for a million dollars, but still felt a little melancholic nonetheless.
on a side note, i'm absolutely in love with burt's bees honey lip balm. for anyone that suffers chronic dry lips like myself, i love how it moisturises without making me feel like the balm is slowly eating away at my lips.
March 23, 2007
October 01, 2006
something to sleep to
my body's pretty good at telling me when it's time to slow down. twice in the past year, it's almost completely shut down to make way for the nastiest colds: at the beginning of the year i was sick for almost a solid two months, which was pretty much the worst i've ever felt. these past two weeks aren't even comparable to that time, but it's been pretty gross.
i'm kept busy at work, which i love, but after four months of doing what i want with my time, it's weird to know that every weekday i'm up at 7:30 to be at work for 9 am, and i don't usually get home until 6 most nights. after that i make dinner, and by the time we're done eating it's 8, and i'm in bed by 11 to do it all over again. and in typical grown-up fashion, there's so much to do on the weekends. i finally get what my parents have been talking about for the last 23 years. there's still a ton of new stuff to do on our place, cleaning up being the most pressing, getting more stuff from home being the least. this upcoming weekend we're off to ottawa for satuday/sunday. both me and heather are orphans and would normally stay in the city, except i'm dying without my books and she still has more stuff to pick up. hopefully in about two weeks stuff will quiet down enough so that i can get my ass to the spa for a pedicure. hopefully in the next month they'll decide at my job whether or not they're keeping me on for good. hopefully they will. all this go-go-go is taking its toll on my body though, which staged a rebellion last week and has thus far continued its mutiny.
i kind of love it though - having stuff to do, lists to make and things to check off of them. places i want to go in toronto, people i want to spend time with, and plans i want to make. i have plans for the first time in about four years. one might say i have direction now.
last night i made lasagna and garlic bread, and me and heath had brian and drew over for dinner. while i was cooking i decided that we would have a weekly dinner party since i've been wanting to learn to cook more complicated items. i suspect that's my mother's influence on my life. that along with a reluctance to go outside without makeup. heather was at the store when i decided this though, and i remembered a reason i love her when she got back: i said "we're going to host weekly dinner parties" and she said "yes!". without any explanation, or context, she knew exactly what i had in mind and i knew all along that she'd be on board.
one of my favourite parts of being here now is witnessing all my friends mixing. i love that heath went shopping yesterday with brian, and that i was right about drew liking her. i love that on a given day i can go to ryan and jer's if i want to, or i can call phil to see what he's doing, or i can go for dinner with panthea and brian and cam, and it's like this big giant shoebox of people i love. for all the doubt i had last year about where i was going to end up, i'm happy it's here.
i'm kept busy at work, which i love, but after four months of doing what i want with my time, it's weird to know that every weekday i'm up at 7:30 to be at work for 9 am, and i don't usually get home until 6 most nights. after that i make dinner, and by the time we're done eating it's 8, and i'm in bed by 11 to do it all over again. and in typical grown-up fashion, there's so much to do on the weekends. i finally get what my parents have been talking about for the last 23 years. there's still a ton of new stuff to do on our place, cleaning up being the most pressing, getting more stuff from home being the least. this upcoming weekend we're off to ottawa for satuday/sunday. both me and heather are orphans and would normally stay in the city, except i'm dying without my books and she still has more stuff to pick up. hopefully in about two weeks stuff will quiet down enough so that i can get my ass to the spa for a pedicure. hopefully in the next month they'll decide at my job whether or not they're keeping me on for good. hopefully they will. all this go-go-go is taking its toll on my body though, which staged a rebellion last week and has thus far continued its mutiny.
i kind of love it though - having stuff to do, lists to make and things to check off of them. places i want to go in toronto, people i want to spend time with, and plans i want to make. i have plans for the first time in about four years. one might say i have direction now.
last night i made lasagna and garlic bread, and me and heath had brian and drew over for dinner. while i was cooking i decided that we would have a weekly dinner party since i've been wanting to learn to cook more complicated items. i suspect that's my mother's influence on my life. that along with a reluctance to go outside without makeup. heather was at the store when i decided this though, and i remembered a reason i love her when she got back: i said "we're going to host weekly dinner parties" and she said "yes!". without any explanation, or context, she knew exactly what i had in mind and i knew all along that she'd be on board.
one of my favourite parts of being here now is witnessing all my friends mixing. i love that heath went shopping yesterday with brian, and that i was right about drew liking her. i love that on a given day i can go to ryan and jer's if i want to, or i can call phil to see what he's doing, or i can go for dinner with panthea and brian and cam, and it's like this big giant shoebox of people i love. for all the doubt i had last year about where i was going to end up, i'm happy it's here.
September 20, 2006
i don't see myself when i look in the mirror/i see who i should be
i always find it odd when i find out someone's been reading my blog. it's kind of disarming, like having someone you know open up your heart and brain and poke around for a little bit. for some reason i've always felt more at ease with myself when i'm with strangers, because i don't care about the need to prove myself. but the people around me, the people i love, those are the people i want to keep looking at me the same way.
we move this weekend. i'm super excited, because the house is beautiful and amazing, but most of all i'm excited to have my own space again. and i'm especially excited to sit in the giant living room in the dark and watch the street below from the huge window.
i've never really understood why people don't like the dark. it's sort of a recurring theme on this blog, how i enjoy the dark so much, but it seems so familiar, so comforting, like an old blanket wrapped around your skin. i'd imagine it comes from the nights where i can't sleep and end up just dozing for a few hours at a time after i've gone out with friends. i love feeling my way around a house, using senses other than my eyes. i remember a long time ago, lying on my bedroom floor listening to music with a boy and wanting that moment to go on forever. so many of my favourite moments, hushed and quietly reverent, have taken place late at night, with the feeling that i'm the only person on the planet.
one of my absolute favourite nights was this past year, around november when it just started to get chilly. i couldn't get in touch with a partner for a group project due the next day and had to write his half of a thirty page paper in one night. it started out at java u at 9, and continued at my house around midnight until 8 am when i crawled in bed for a two hour nap. i remember julian pulling an all nighter at home that night, and we would chat online and keep each other company every hour or so, checking in on one another. i remember talking to josh on the phone at around 6 in the morning, sitting outside with a mug of coffee, wrapped in the blanket my mother had knit for me, watching the sunrise. i remember dragging myself to school that day in sweatpants and my favourite sweatshirt to drop off my paper (which i was incredibly proud of), and then getting home in the early evening and being too wired to sleep. i ended up heading to drew's for comfort, where on the way i bumped into austin and made plans to see jarhead that weekend, and then drew and wade ordered me alto's while i crashed on his bed and watched them play video games.
it was such an overwhelming 24 hours at the time, but in retrospect it was probably one of my favourite days ever.
we move this weekend. i'm super excited, because the house is beautiful and amazing, but most of all i'm excited to have my own space again. and i'm especially excited to sit in the giant living room in the dark and watch the street below from the huge window.
i've never really understood why people don't like the dark. it's sort of a recurring theme on this blog, how i enjoy the dark so much, but it seems so familiar, so comforting, like an old blanket wrapped around your skin. i'd imagine it comes from the nights where i can't sleep and end up just dozing for a few hours at a time after i've gone out with friends. i love feeling my way around a house, using senses other than my eyes. i remember a long time ago, lying on my bedroom floor listening to music with a boy and wanting that moment to go on forever. so many of my favourite moments, hushed and quietly reverent, have taken place late at night, with the feeling that i'm the only person on the planet.
one of my absolute favourite nights was this past year, around november when it just started to get chilly. i couldn't get in touch with a partner for a group project due the next day and had to write his half of a thirty page paper in one night. it started out at java u at 9, and continued at my house around midnight until 8 am when i crawled in bed for a two hour nap. i remember julian pulling an all nighter at home that night, and we would chat online and keep each other company every hour or so, checking in on one another. i remember talking to josh on the phone at around 6 in the morning, sitting outside with a mug of coffee, wrapped in the blanket my mother had knit for me, watching the sunrise. i remember dragging myself to school that day in sweatpants and my favourite sweatshirt to drop off my paper (which i was incredibly proud of), and then getting home in the early evening and being too wired to sleep. i ended up heading to drew's for comfort, where on the way i bumped into austin and made plans to see jarhead that weekend, and then drew and wade ordered me alto's while i crashed on his bed and watched them play video games.
it was such an overwhelming 24 hours at the time, but in retrospect it was probably one of my favourite days ever.
September 01, 2006
arriba
i know i've had a little bit of a matt good obsession lately. that's just how my love for his music flows and ebbs though.... i'll go a couple of months without really listening to an album, and then spend an entire week listening to nothing but. what really gets me is the hidden romance in his songs, the lines that pop up in little places you wouldn't notice.
for example:
Take me to the shore
and wrap me in a blind tomorrow
I won't fight no more
and I won't scream
maybe we'll be washed away
maybe I just need a holiday
This time we'll get a room with a view
and a velvet painting
and this time we'll stay inside
until the lights go down
over the palm trees and the sand
Buy me the blue sky
and wrap me in clouds of blasphemy
in the end I won't ask why
you can do what you want with me
maybe we'll be thrown away
maybe we just need a holiday
This time we'll get a room with a view
and a velvet painting
and this time we'll stay inside
until the lights come up
and everything's vermillion
Take me to the shore
and throw me in the water
I won't fight no more
no, I won't say a thing
For some reason, that spells romance to me.
for example:
Take me to the shore
and wrap me in a blind tomorrow
I won't fight no more
and I won't scream
maybe we'll be washed away
maybe I just need a holiday
This time we'll get a room with a view
and a velvet painting
and this time we'll stay inside
until the lights go down
over the palm trees and the sand
Buy me the blue sky
and wrap me in clouds of blasphemy
in the end I won't ask why
you can do what you want with me
maybe we'll be thrown away
maybe we just need a holiday
This time we'll get a room with a view
and a velvet painting
and this time we'll stay inside
until the lights come up
and everything's vermillion
Take me to the shore
and throw me in the water
I won't fight no more
no, I won't say a thing
For some reason, that spells romance to me.
August 31, 2006
sometimes a girl wants to dance
and lately when i want to dance, it's to Kelis' "Bossy".
rachel summed it up best, i think: "when i hear that song, it makes me want a dyed poodle"
Kelis is just that fucking cool. plus she's married to Nas.
also, so fun to sing "i'm bossy!"
rachel summed it up best, i think: "when i hear that song, it makes me want a dyed poodle"
Kelis is just that fucking cool. plus she's married to Nas.
also, so fun to sing "i'm bossy!"
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