two songs

polaris - jimmy eat world
I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid
A thousand nights or more
I travelled east and north
Please answer the door

Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're kill everything in me

Get down on your knees
Whisper what I need
Something pretty
Something pretty
I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful

Then you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

I'm done, there's nothing left to show
Try but I can't let go
Are you happy where you're standing still?
Do you really want the sugar pill?
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
To another, it feels so hard
As a train approaches, getting on
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?

You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

house of smoke and mirrors - matt good
There's the house
There's the doorway
Been locked out
The lights are out anyway

And loosely reconditioned
To be just so refined
A last grasp at the life worth living
In these standard shoes and what's left of my lines

You can see right through me

Hey
I've been thinking
Why don't we get out of here tonight?
Get in the car and just start driving
Fuck them if they can't take a joke
Right?

I've fallen asleep again
And when I wake up you won't be here
Don't you think I don't know why?
I've been asleep for years

You can see right through me

lexicon: a dictionary of slang i use

yo: has replaced dude. an extremely versatile emphasis word which can be placed at the beginning ("yo, this pie is awesome") or end ("that is so weird, yo") of a sentence. it can be used to get attention "yo, are the glasses in this cupboard?" or to display surprise "yo!", or even as a greeting "yo, yo, yo!"

bitchface: a noun. signifies the pinched, uptight, constipated expression that some girls (the ones who are never, ever happy and is usually seen on the girls who always yell at their boyfriends in public) wear.

poposee: origin unknown, but suspected it came from the time when steph was drunk and tried to say "possibly" but slurred it all together and it came out "poposee". ex: "do you want to see a movie tonight?" "poposee, but i'd also kind of like to go out"

manson lamps: stolen from pamie.com. used to indicate those big crazy-eyes that some people have. usually used when someone is staring at you creepily...often combined with "yo."
ex: "yo, turn off the manson lamps, please"

lesbionic: when another girl is clinging to you, or hitting on you, or trying to make out with you, she's being lesbionic.

vomitatious: an adjective describing when you feel vomit-y

p.s.: typical meaning of postscript, but used in conversation when you want to refer to something that was previously mentioned, or discussed in a conversation before but you have more to add on the subject, or found out something new and wish to share it. ex: "oh! p.s.! i found out that alex is a total whore"

squeet - like the word sweet, but a higher echelon of sweetness = squeetness.

coming out of my cage/and i'm doing just fine/gotta gotta be down/because i want it all

as every day passes, i know less and less what i want to do with my life.

it's my last year of university and as graduation approaches, i get more confused and kerfuddled than before. do i really want to be a lawyer? do i want to try journalism school? do i want to go into advertising? pr? market research? it's all starting to get overwhelming.

i almost feel like i'm in a permanent state of limbo, where my life goes on, but i have less and less to actually control.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i know what i don't want, but how do i figure out what i DO want?

i don't wanna be anything other than what i've been trying to be lately

i used to be sad sometimes in real life, and i'd have incredible happy dreams; which really only served to make me sadder.

i've been happier lately; but the trade-off is that i have sad dreams now. not really sure what my subconscious is trying to do to me.

it keeps me looking for a place in your heart/it's all i know

i've always had a secret fascination with my hair. my mom kept it cut short when i was young, until i was about 12 or 13, when i decided to grow it out on my own. i had never really understood the feeling of hair on your shoulders, or hair long enough to twist and twirl. my hair at that time was an almost unnatural shade of white-blond, so bright that it attracted attention no matter what.

soon after, i kept my hair long, but began to dye it: red, brown, dark purple, any colour that would let me fade into the background, be the sidekick, the best friend, the girl who didn't want to garner extra attention. somewhere along the line, i decided to be blond again and thus started dying it back to blond (since it's not even close to the shade it used to be). it's now the two things that used to be mutually exclusive; blond and long. and my fascination is becoming not so secret. i twirl hair around my fingers, tuck it behind my ears only to pull it back out again, flip it around. i have turned into a complete girly-girl when it comes to my hair.

i didn't realize it until three days ago, when i was lying on a couch at school, Julian was playing with my hair, and there were several people scattered around us. Andrew walked up to us and said to me, "Look at you. You love the attention, don't you?" and i realized that I finally do.

doesn't matter cause you're everywhere to me

lately i've been worried about the future.

i'm not one who worries normally, especially about the future because i have this odd faith that 1)everything eventually works out and rights itself, and 2)things happen for a reason and 3)whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. that said, i'm worried about the future, mostly because i'm so happy right now that i fear change.

i went through a bad spell a little while ago, doubting myself, second guessing everything, and not really liking the person i was becoming (belittling, whiny, angry, shallow); and while it all pops up once in a while still, i'm geniunely happy right now. i mean, sure, i'd like a boy to share it all with, and there's still things in my life that i regret, or wish i could change, but for the most part i'm happy.

i have amazing friends. i can spend time with them individually, all together, or i can take time off and be on my own without feeling lonely. i have great parents who i can talk to about anything. i have a roof over my head, and a room to retreat to when the world is too much to handle. i have five good books waiting to be read on my bedside table. i'm taking classes which i actually enjoy, and am doing well in. i have money to essentially do what i please with. i'm not thrilled with my body, but am in the process of learning to love and accept it. i recognize the validity of my opinions and thoughts and beliefs and hold fast to them.

i'm becoming the girl that i always wanted to be.

and honestly, how does it get better than that?

even my iPod knows steph is coming to visit

the shuffle feature keeps playing Kylie Minogue and Robbie Williams.

conversations had today:

n - i'm trying to bring back the karate chop to the dance floor
s - i karate chop everywhere! i also judo chop sometimes
n - i forgot about the judo chop
s - i judo kicked the door the other day, but it backfired on me
n - did you say "judo chop" when you did it?
s - no, i said judo kick


s - you are true... i mean, you are right
n - if you were a true or false quiz you'd be true
t - ha!

n - wanna come in the change room with me?
s - free show!

message left on my voicemail by b - i was on st laurent and saw a sassy black woman dancing in the dex store, just thought you should know

j - let's make some pancakes
n - some cakes of pan
j.k - some gateaux de pan
n - some cocks (cakes said with a french accent) de pan
j.k - some pancocks

n - we're like badass twelve year olds
s - with cars
n - and cigarettes and diet cokes

j - the roles have reversed
n - now i can call YOU skeletor! skeletor II
s - shut up.
j - whatever, you called me skeletor forever and ever
m - anyone want to watch the wolves play on the computer?
s - i only called you skeletor because you told me i had 80s hair
n - let's go, skeletor, we only have 2 minutes left on the meter
s shoves n to the door

god, ottawa is boring when your best friend is at school

the ten songs that pop up first on my iPod when i shuffle it, and why they are on there:

truffle pigs - matt good: pretty self explanatory, since i adore matt good. my iPod also seems to have an affinity for him, since at least one of his songs is always in the first ten when i shuffle them. this could also be because of the 1096 songs i have on it right now, about 50 of them are Matt Good or Matthew Good Band songs.

under pressure - queen feat. david bowie: i like to yell the line "watching some good friends scream 'let me out!'" also, it's fun to sing falsetto, and make all the noises that freddy mercury does.

sic transit gloria...glory fades - brand new: i saw this video on musiqueplus once, and though the concept was amazing, a guy goes into a bar and everyone in the bar shadows every moment he makes. after downloading the song, which i immediately loved, i downloaded the whole album (deja entendu) and listened to it non-stop for three weeks. it's such a departure from their previous pop-punk sound, and is such an amazing quietly angry album.

ain't it funny (remix) by j.lo: i'm gonna have to be honest. i love the j.lo. i love to dance around to it, i like to sing to it, i kind of like to pretend i'm her. j.lo is fun. embrace the j.lo.

taste you - melissa auf der maur: oh melissa. how i wish we could run into each other in montreal and discover how much we have in common, and be best friends forever, and we'd get high and make crazy music at your place, and i'd go on tour with you and we'd have crazy adventures in tokyo karaoke booths. i saw her on tour with the smashing pumpkins once, and i swear when i waved to her from the front, she waved back.

personal jesus - marilyn manson: i also love the m.ma. every time i hear one of his songs, my shoulders start grooving and my head starts bobbing. seriously, the man makes good music to dance to. i started listening to his music off of the matrix soundtrack, and it grew from there. no one remixes or remakes better.

bandages - hot hot heat: it's fun to sing the words in french (although, i pretend that bandages is a french word, just pronounced with a french accent): bandages sur mes bras et mes jambes de toi... it's really hard not to belt this out, which is unfortunate when you're listening to this song on the bus, or anywhere in public.

marc - louis xiv: downloaded after i heard it on v.mars. have to say, any band that's named after a french monarch is alright with me. their song finding out true love is blind is also pretty sweet, but i like this one better.. it has a lazy, almost Air type quality about it.

politik - coldplay: everyone can say what they will about coldplay, i will always picture a curlyhaired Chris Martin singing Shiver to me. and by to me, i mean on tv. that's when i fell in love and i'm not sure i'll ever fall out, despite how hippy-dippy, gwenyth paltrow marrying, apple baby naming, fair trade name dropping he's become.

passenger seat - death cab for cutie: sad music with a happily voiced lead singer. not my favourite song of theirs (see transatlanticism or tiny vessels) but nothing beats death cab for travelling music in the dark. it makes you feel like you're starring in your own car commercial, the ones with the convertibles and it's night and there are stars out everywhere and it's warm, and you're driving with someone you love and it's a perfect moment. that's how death cab makes me feel.

it's weird, because looking at this list, you'd think i'm a music snob, but it very well could have been The Vines, Finch, Fleetwood Mac, Portishead, elliot smith, chantal kreviazuk, mario, foo fighters, and garbage, and sublime. shit though, that list is pretty good too... let's try again.

could have been phantom planet, robbie williams, everlast, gwen stefani, stereophonics, michelle branch, our lady peace, kylie minogue, the beatles, and the police.

wait. i guess i am kind of a music snob (except for the Lindsey Lohan, but shh...that's not on my iPod. nope, not at all.)