sometimes i feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear

my room is a mess. whenever i get busy, i completely ignore tidying up. clothes get thrown around and left on the floor, glasses half full of water are collecting by the radiator, there's a 2L half-empty bottle of Diet Coke lying next to my bed and books scattered everywhere.

i skipped two classes today.

i smoke too much when i drink now.

i forget to take the garbage out sometimes, or purposely walk by the recycling bin because i don't want to carry outside.

even though it bothers me when my roommate does it, i feel tempted to leave a tiny bit of milk in the bag.

i love coffee even though it makes me stay up all night.

now, writing this, i kind of want some sugar-free Red Bull.

i rarely carry any cash, and if doing something requires cash i don't usually have enough for what we're about to do.

i drink a lot. if anyone offers to buy me a drink, or food, i take it.

i love diet coke.

i sleep a lot, and get angry when others are loud around the house and wake me up before i'm ready.

if i don't know the answer to a question, i make up an answer so at least i look smart for the next five minutes.

i spend a lot of time on my computer. probably an unhealthy amount. i hate it when other people touch my computer unless they're a certified computer engineer. i hate it when people touch it without asking first. i hate when i can tell someone's been on my computer when i wasn't home.

i'm still scared of balloons popping.

i buy things even when i don't have the money for it. i hate this about myself: that i'll convince myself that i absolutely have to go out for dinner, or i completely can't live without that new pair of shoes and look, they're on sale right now so if i get them i'll have to pay way less than normal.

sometimes i'm bitchy for no absolute reason except for the fact that the person is bothering me, but it's really not them, it's me.

i screen my calls and sometimes don't return them.

i assume that girls don't like me when i first meet them. i've always found it easier to get along with boys than girls, and i sometimes discount being friends with a girl if i don't like some sentence out of her mouth, or if i don't like what she's wearing, or how she does her hair, or how she waves her hands in the air when she talks, or if other boys think she's the hottest thing ever.

i trash talk when i play sports. i trash talk when i play games.

i can't eat properly. my mother tried to teach me how to be a lady and eat with a fork and knife, but somehow food always ends up in my lap, or sauce gets smeared on my shoulder, or i get crumbs everywhere, or soup on the tablecloth. i've actually accidently thrown a piece of sushi.

i hate things just because they're popular.

i'm hypocritical, especially when it comes to myself. i give out advice to others but never take it to heart. i say that i'm one type of person when i'm really the complete opposite.

i'm a mess. i'll never be one of those girls with every hair in place, and a space for everything in her purse with an organized planner, and unwrinkle clothes. i'm the girl with flyaways, with wedgies, with everything mixed in at the bottom of her bag, with smeared mascara, or an untie shoes, who swears, laughs, and sneezes too loudly. and sometimes i hate that about myself, which is my secret shame. today was one of the days where all of the above bugs me. sometimes the opposite is true, when i revel in my flaws. don't judge me. or do like i sometimes do, and just judge me secretly.

chinese lantern/botanical gardens

keane

oh simple thing,where have you gone?
i'm getting old and i need something to rely on
so tell me when you're gonna let me in
i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin


so if you have a minute why don't we go
talk about it somewhere only we know
this could be the end of everything
so why don't we go, somewhere only we know

i see it around me/i see it in everything/i could be so much more than this

Halloween last night. Well, not actually, but we decided to celebrate last night. I love Halloween; I've always loved everything about it. In the morning, I carved my pumpkin while watching Liverpool play (they won, which should have been a good omen). Then went shopping for component costume parts and Halloween decorations with Leela. I went as Alice in Wonderland (blue skirt, blue tank top, black shoes, black headband, white pinafore) and Leela went as my White Rabbit. We had people over, whereupon I cracked open a bottle of champagne for myself and Leela, but mostly for myself. Then went out to some party with the girls and danced our asses off. It was pretty funny considering that every dude there was like "four girls! i must hit on them!" like we were missing something by not having male company. Also, these guys were the biggest douchebags.

I love champagne drunk. It's one of my favourite drunks, right up there with Gin and Tonic drunk and Jack and Diet Coke drunk. Champagne drunk is in a class of it's own: it makes me giggly, and hair twirly, and kind of makes me feel like a housewife from the 50's. It makes me want to shake my ass when I dance, and kiss everyone on the cheek and cuddle with them. It makes me docile, agreeing with everyone in a fuzz of pretty lights and a spinny head. It makes me feel like I'm in a musical and everyone is about to burst into song and choreographed dance any second. It typically gives me the biggest headache the next day, however, so the best thing to do after champagne drunk is eat as much as possible and then take three Advils and go to bed.

you've already won me over/in spite of me/and don't be alarmed if i fall/head over feet

Good day so far.

Woke up to Daddy calling from Ottawa to ask if there's any special reason my parents can't travel to China in the upcoming months. Why China? I'm not really sure. Allegedly both my parents have been wanting to go for a while. Had a little MSN chat with Steph, which made me not want to hustle my ass off to school. During my only class of the day (International Business Policy) none of my group was there, so I got to choose my ideal group presentation date without consulting anyone else. Paid attention in class and took good notes because I felt really focused today. Went to the gym and got in a solid workout, even ran a bit as my calf muscle wasn't acting up as it usually does when I try to do anything faster than a light jog. Got home to no one home, going to have a bath and wash my hair and try to relax for a while. Supposed to go study with A in the afternoon. I must say, the fact that he has so much work and asks me everyday if I'm doing work in the afternoon is making me quite a productive girl. I always say yes, that I am, since I want to spend as much time as possible with him and so as a result I'm ahead in one of my classes for once.

And that's the thing I realized with A: no games. I mean, we're still just hanging out and being friends, but if he asked anything about me having an enormous crush on him, I'd 'fess up. The last "relationship" with Fuckhead Douchebag and all the games he played with me just fucked me up: I felt shitty about myself, about being with him, about liking him, everything. I knew he was so bad for me and I continually put myself down and second guessed myself when it came to him; I was hesitant to ask him to hang out, scared of calling him, terrified to go out with him because I never knew who else he'd be hitting on, or if he'd be paying attention to me. And that's what I like with A, that I'm never worried with him. I'm never nervous to pick up the phone and call him. I'm trying not to think "well, I called him yesterday, so he should call today", etc. I'm trying incredibly hard not to be neurotic, not to be one of those crazy girls, not to play games. I'm trying to be myself, and if he likes that then he'll like me. If he doesn't, well then, at least I get someone in my life who makes me laugh, who writes little equations on my notes for Sales explaining the graph I'm drawing, who helps me with the crossword, who lends me books and tells me which movies to watch, who'll try to explain anything to me, and who high fives me at the door when he leaves.

it's okay to be their disappointment baby/it's okay to fly the flag

this is the first Matt Good concert that I've knowingly missed. Now, yes, this makes me a nerd. I could care less. he is the one singular artist who i will knowingly buy a CD of before downloading/hearing ANY of the songs on it. I am not at this concert because I have to study for a retail midterm tomorrow. I am not studying for my retail midterm because I am agonizing over not being at this concert. Seriously.

crappy day today. it's been raining for a solid 7 days almost, and i'm tired of it. I like fall sometimes, and those times are only when it's sunny and crisp and you can wear cute jackets and little tweed hats and sneaks and jeans and be all hipster-preppy cool. hipster-preppy cool is my new favourite kind of style. well, hipster-preppy-bohemian-tomboy cool/casual (is that really even a style though?).

i'm not a trendy kind of girl. i mean, i will jump on the occasional sort of trend, but i really, seriously do NOT understand the point of leggings...why are they back? I understand people hate when it's cold and that leggings warm your legs.

remember when we looked back at the 80s and cringed? why would you ever want to wear that again? i mean, okay, i understand the off-the-shoulder shirts. i own a couple of those myself, although boatnecks and off the shoulder always looks cute to me. i can even accept women's re-fascination with legwarmers. but i cannot for the life of me forgive the leggings. what's next, teased, hairsprayed bangs? sure, you scoff now at the idea but i mean, three years ago you would have scoffed at the leggings as well.

give me a nice pair of classic sneakers, some jeans, a wifebeater and a hoodie any day.

so yeah, midterm tomorrow, until 5:30 (!) and then possibly going to watch a friend play houseleague hockey. okay, fine, he's playing another team full of cute boys that i know, and they'll be all sweaty and cute, but i do like to support my friends' endeavors once in a while (horrible memories of going to the Little Rock in Ottawa).

haven't talked to the boy since Saturday. not that i'm like, counting or anything. i think i'll do a fun photo-essay project for here this weekend to keep myself occupied. i haven't had enough artistic experiences lately. Plus there's the Chinese lantern display at the Botanical Gardens. whee!

Thanksgiving Pictures

Gatineau Park - Pink Lake

Gatineau Park - me and my brother

Gatineau Park - Thanksgiving Weekend

spitting games - snow patrol

I broke into your house last night
And left a note at your bedside
I'm far too shy to speak to you at school
You leave me numb and I'm not sure why

I find it easier to sit and stare
Than push my limbs out towards you right there
My heart is bursting in your perfect eyes
As blue as oceans and as pure as skies

I struggle for the words and then give up
My heads up with the birds on the t-hut
A little piece of mind that I know better
That the plain disgrace of all my letters

After that the floodgates opened up
And I fell in love with everyone I saw
Please take your time I'm not in any rush
And it's in everything I ever write

It's not as if I need the extra weight
Confused enough by life so thanks a lot
Lonely written words for company
Just raise the roof this once and follow me

I can't stop listening to Britpop lately, especially the above song. It encapsulates everything I feel lately, other than the stalkerish tendency of breaking into someone's house. I'm not a romantic sap by any means, but I think that Brits write the best love songs. I mean, I wish someone had written Yellow (by Coldplay) about me. Not the typical love song, but so clearly meant as such. They're such pure delights, all poppy and light with lyrics that force you to listen to what the person is saying.

I feel as this one's about the beginning of a relationship: that place where you don't know how to deal with seeing the other person, or how much you can infringe on their personal space, or where you're wondering what they're thinking, or where they are during the day. I especially love the last two verses, but especially "Confused enough by life so thanks alot". I also love how on my iTunes, this song segues into 'Chocolate', another of my favourite Snow Patrol songs, which I feel is sort of the ending of a relationship. Perfect bookends.

so you curse the day/i decided to stay true to myself

the mug that i'm drinking my english tea from has a chip in the rim of it (side note: Lovin Each Day by Ronan Keating makes me ridiculously happy and thus makes me dance wherever i am, even if i'm sitting). it's a huge mug that holds about a litre of tea (no jokes), and it's painted lavender, with a blue and green tulip on the front, and a wash of blue and green painted on the inside of it. i painted this mug.

this mug is very special to me, as it reminds me of many, many things:

1) the time steph and i drove to stittsville to do pottery. needless to say, we got lost and spent the entire day driving around stittsville. the ENTIRE DAY. driving around a town the size of, well, at that time it was really, really small. possibly the funnest day ever, although my memory has much of it blocked out because if i really remembered how funny we were that day, i'd probably never find anything funny again.

2) the night me and shonan went to paint our mugs. it'd been a long day and i was tired and just needed to chill with someone. it was an awesome night and an awesome activity. i think we went to Pistol for dinner first, and then just talked and painted. i'd been complaining because i'm terrible at art and thought my mug was right and shonnie just kept telling me to shut up that it'd be beautiful. there's stuff about it i wish i could change, but i kind of like the flaws and mistakes, the same way i love running my tongue over the chip in it when i'm drinking.

3) my birthday this year, and frosh by extension, because that was the day my mug was picked up from the kiln. it was the best.birthday.ever. the only way it could have been beat was if i had my home friends at school with me. however, being solidly drunk for a day at Beach Club while playing Euchre all day and then going out at night and dancing and then having frosh closing ceremonies and about 700 people singing Happy Birthday to me, well, that's pretty special.

4) the mug itself. i usually hate all artistic endeavors that i undertake, as they normally turn out hideous. this one didn't.

c'est tout. i'm off to the grocery store to get some fruit before Lost starts. I kind of feel like eating some fresh mango, or maybe pineapple.

edited to add: Fuck You, Stittsville

when i think about you/i think about how much i miss you when you're not around

today was a strange day. i kind of wish i could go sit on my stoop, but as predicted it's butt ass freezing cold outside. Thanksgiving weekend was good. Went out with S to Minglewoods, never really have more fun dancing when she's there.

Sample conversation in the car:
n - when i'm dancing like an idiot, can you tell i'm doing it ironically?
s - psssh, of course i can
n - can other people?
s - i don't really know.... we might just look like two huge assholes

played a crapload of Scrabble on sunday. i love scrabble; it's in my top ten list of favourite games. sample words used by myself during a series of three games: zealot, opined, timid, jinxed. i collect scrabble words in my head now...i'm just waiting for the day i can bust out 'tequila'.

i tried to write this entry a couple of times, and then ended up staring at the screen. i have yet to buy my matt good ticket. i'm kind of worried it'll be sold out. oh. this violates the dream rule (which is that you're only allowed to tell people your dreams if they feature predominantely in them) but i had a dream last night where the mus office looked completely different, a much bigger room and everyone (and when i say everyone, i mean me) would hang out there after school. we'd have beer and music and people would wander in and out. i remember in the dream, A and Bman walked in...we chatted a bit and they left their stuff on the couch and left for a while, but were coming back. however, while they were gone i took the opportunity to look in A's notebook, where there were highschoolstyle notes passed between him and Bman and it said "i don't know what to do about niki. can't figure out if i like her or not." so i got upset and stormed out. what does that mean?

i'm not asking what the storming out means because that's my usual recourse when something happens that i don't like. i have an ominous feeling about tomorrow for some reason, like it's going to be a terrible, horrible, no-good day. but is it forecast to be like that, or will it be that way because i'm expecting it to be that way now? this blog is getting entirely too philosophical right now.must.have.more.frivolity.

ergo, my top ten list of things i love righhhhhhhhhht now.
1) Pumpkin pie
2) Warm baths
3) Scrabble
4) Wooly sweaters
5) Clean clothes
6) Random use of Capitalization
7) My new wraparound peachy sweater from Italy
8) Leela's green purse
9) tonight's CASCO practice
10) the possibility of all-you-can-eat sushi this week

and top ten list of things i don't love right now:
1) folding laundry
2) my credit card bill
3) knowing i won't have time to go to the gym tomorrow
4) not talking to a certain someone that i want to talk to
5) the fact that i still have to fix my winter schedule and am too lazy to do so
6) the fact that it's 12:46 am and i must get up in 8 hours
7) baseball because it pre-empted Arrested Development
8) my messy room
9) the rain and butt-assed cold weather
10) my knees, which are aching for some reason

got stains on my tshirt/and i'm the biggest flirt/if you want my autobiography

summer's almost over. i know it's october, but the weather's been beautiful lately.

had the worst day ever. people were grating on my last nerve. normally, i'd go into hiding: close the door to my room and wallow. julian told me i needed to be more open with how i feel, instead of blocking it all up, so i told wade i had a terrible day. he responded by telling me that we're getting drinks.

got home around 2 and sat on the stoop for a while. Club Stoop, if you wish. I learned to love my stoop this summer (yes, this entry will be mostly about my front stoop). It faces the back of the stores/bars on St Laurent, which means it faces a load of graffitti, and people walk by to get to their cars parked on my street. This summer was hot, which meant my appartment was hot. However, it was also THE spot for predrinking, which meant that we'd fill our glasses with alcohol, mixers and ice and go and sit on the stoop, in some sort of effort to cool off. It was the source of a million laughs: watching people try to parallel park, playing music loudly so we could dance outside on the sidewalk, playfights, talking to strangers, and generally being rowdy.

It was also the place for late-night introspection. Some nights would be too hot to sleep, so I'd get a glass of water and sit outside, watching people or simply the sky, with my mp3 player pumping soft/loud/happy/angry music into my ears. I'd sit out there and chainsmoke sometimes, watching my exhalations curl into the sky and dissapate. I'd sit out there until my eyes would be drifting shut, sometimes hours after I'd plopped onto the stoop to sit. I'd watch happy couples, arguing couples, friends, lovers, fighters walk by. Soon it's going to be too cold for the stoop, and that kind of makes me sad. I love my stoop. It's one of my favourite memories of this house.

i felt for sure last night/at once we said goodbye

i felt 12 years old last night... flashbacked to the times I would perch on some couch/sofa/bed and watch danny and kyle/jason/brady playing video games for hour upon hour. it felt nice, almost reassuring me that some things stay constant sometimes, that there's always boys in my life who can remind me of my brother. especially in the way that they take care of me, like he always did.

the evening's tallies:

games played: tekken 5, time crisis II and III, some weird Sega car racing game

discussions revolved around: streetfighter vs. virtua fighter, wolfenstein, doom, golden axe, quantum physics, how i dance when i think no one's looking.

tokens used: 100

crushes on boys: 1 biiiiiig one

car accidents seen:2

cigarettes smoked: 3

woke up late today; nevertheless still napped this afternoon. it's like i can't be home at 5 pm and not nap. i get so discombobulated now after napping too... it takes me at least 5 minutes to figure out where i am, who i am, and why i'm here. the last question gets pondered the longest. napping in other people's houses/beds is the worst for me now: i don't know where i am for at least 10 minutes.

alison waking me up to go get sushi put me in a weird mood, because i hadn't napped through my natural cycle, but it'll probably help to get me to sleep at a decent time. went to go get coconut cream pie after sushi, which seemed like a really good idea at the time. actually scratch that. it still seems like a good idea.

randomnest entry ever. it's kind of like my brain right now, though, just scattering in pieces. not having focussed thought puts me in a good mood, because i don't dwell on one thing long enough to be bothered by it. the Sloan that i'm listening to probably helps with that; it's so bouncy and poppy that you can't help but feel all lovey-dovey, the-world-is-great, puppies-kittens-ponies-everywhere, marching-bands-following-you-around, strummy-strummy-la-la, head-in-the-clouds, losing-my-mind-but-in-the-peaceful-i-don't-care-that-i'm-going-crazy-way, happy.

tonight is jess miles' birthday, so it's off to Tokyo for open bar until midnight. I say i won't get drunk now, but.....we'll see.