the clanking of crystal/explosions off in the distance

Last day at home for a while, we're leaving for Montreal tomorrow morning. I'm incredibly excited to have all my closest friends in the city that I love. Still have to pack, and have a bath. I feel like a little kid again, where I won't be able to sleep tonight because I'm so excited about tomorrow.

this is who i am/you can like it or not/you can love me, or leave me

Fourth annual Christmukkah party was held at Heather's apartment last night. I went early with Aila and Steph to "get the apartment ready" but really we just ended up hanging out, and watching some Sex and the City while I read about 5 of Heather's 2 million In Style magazines. While it wasn't quite as ridiculous or hilarious night as Tuesday night's expedition to Le Skratch was, there's something to be said for hanging out with people that know you that well.

I spent some time catching up with Jer, and we discussed the mechanics of our sense of humour; and how lucky we are that we found people with the same sense of humour to play off of. I love my friends at school, and we have jokes and times where I never think I'll stop laughing, but with Steph, Pat, and Jer, it's a continous build of layer upon layer of the joke, and you'd never know where we started if you heard the end result of the joke, and you're laughing so hard your face hurts, you think you might pee your pants and that you're going to die because you're laughing so hard. It eventually becomes some sort of shorthand joke-type code, where if you weren't there for it, you'd never understand where it came from.

My dad had surgery on his shoulder over a month ago; they sewed up his rotator cuff, which had been torn previously. They said it would take approximately ten weeks for recovery, let alone being back to normal, so as a result he can't lift his left arm higher than his shoulder. Therefore, I've been tapped to take over the usualy holiday tradition: the cleaning of the carp fish that we buy every year for Christmas. Christmas to me is a time of tradition, which I insist upon being the exact same way every year: when my parents said no fish this year because my dad wouldn't be physically able to clean it, I stepped up. I'm kind of wishing i hadn't, cause it's a tiny bit gross, but I suppose I'll suck it up in the name of tradition. Estimated surgical time is at 2 pm this afternoon.

california love/shake it, shake it

memories of le skratch:

the robocop dancers
i agree-gree (agreeing to the power of 1.4)

n: jer's always right...except sometimes he's not
j: and when i'm not, i'm incorrect
n: except sometimes he is
j: but sometimes i'm not

there are things that drift away/like our endless numbered days

ottawa's very different from montreal; there's no disputing that.

if i were at school, my phone would start ringing about now and i'd be trying to decide what to do this evening.
at home, i've already decided to stay in and do my nails.

at school, i can stop at five different places in one evening, and drink at all of those places, straggling to bed at around four in the morning.
at home, i drive and stay sober, and usually am home by midnight.

at school, i wake up at noon and wander to the kitchen to make breakfast.
at home, i wake up at nine and have breakfast ready for me, on the table, made by my mom.

at school, i don't have to clear anything with anyone: if i want to go to the gym, i go. if i want to go shopping, i go.
at home, i have to inform my parents that i'm taking the car, who's going with me, and the approximate time at which i'll be home.

at school, i have amazing girl friends that love me, and call just to laugh and share a joke, or to see how my day is.
at home, i have amazing girl friends that love me, and call just to laugh and share a joke, or to see how my day is.

there's things i love about school and things i love about home, and the balance of them is very important to me. there's nothing like getting together with three of your best friends, and having it seem like there's been no time passed since the last time you all saw each other, even though it was actually five months ago. there's something special about remembering numbers you haven't dialed in months, in driving paths you haven't driven in some time, in laughing at jokes and memories that you haven't thought of in years. the people at home are the people i miss when i'm at school, and sometimes i wish they could be in montreal just to share one of those jokes, or remember one of those memories with me. i never thought that i'd be able to replace these people, and i haven't. they're irreplaceable.

i know my friends at home. i know their life stories: their families, their pets, their houses. i grew up hearing about the time they had a grain of rice stuck in their armpit, and who went out with whom in grade 6, and we all remember the time that we sat near each other in french class because our last names started with B and D, or the times that we drove to Barhaven to see the construction on the new house.

i know my friends at school in a school context: i know the classes they're taking, and what they order at Pistol, and what their favourite beer is, and how they dress at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning, and what they eat for breakfast, and whether they'll be in Sandiford Lab or the MUS office when i get to school in the morning. i know where they keep the booze, and where the glasses are in their house. i know what apartment number to order alto's to, and i know exactly who to call at 2 in the morning, when i'm drunk and upset about something, and i know the different senses of humour they each have, and how to make them laugh. it doesn't mean that i love them any less, it just means that it's different.

i have no qualms about keeping both sets of friends for the rest of my life, and some of them will meet this New Year's, which i'm very excited about, because i love both my sets of friends, and don't know what i'd do without either of them.

every little thing that you say or do/i'm hung up, i'm hung up on you

Things I Love Right Now:

Madonna's Confessions Of A Dance Floor
vanilla lip balm
giant organic cookies from the grocery store down the street
my lacy, black New Year's Eve dress from Club Monaco
pretty much everything at Club Monaco
big pillar candles
my iPod, which is rapidly filling with awesome music (see above)
Gossip Girl novels (yes, i know they're in the Teen section of Indigo)
Gap Body
white Christmas lights
my glasses
the though of buying lovely new things for grad trip to Dominican in February
apple cider with a cinnamon stick
white Hanes men's tank tops
fireplaces with roaring fires
breakfast at Cafeteria
hot bubble baths
finding old pictures that i'd inserted into books as bookmarks
big, fat, snowflakes
men's pyjama pants

you think that i'm strong/you're wrong/you're wrong

I'm not used to so many people being interested in my life. I mean, sure, I've always had stories to tell, and I loooove talking about my day, and life (which is why this blog is here). However, I'm not used to people asking so many questions about what's going on with me. It kind of makes me want to recede, because I'm not the most open person with real things, like feelings and hopes and emotions. This thing with W is still really new, and I'm still really hesitant, not about him, but about revealing the true crazy person part of myself and sometimes I just feel like telling people that it's none of their business.

I'm a difficult, messy human being. I recognize this, that I'm hypocritical, and I judge people, and I get upset with people when it's really myself that I'm upset at. I push people away, and I definitely don't trust easily. I have a list of faults a mile long, and am quick to blame myself for everything. I'm trying so hard to suppress this, but trust takes time for me, and I still feel like he's going to wake up one day and think "Oh, she's not who i thought she was".

I was single for so long, and sometimes I got trapped in the thought of "Well, if I have a boyfriend, then it'll make everything better." I'm remembering that yes, when things are good and funny and happy it's better, but it also makes all the little insecurities that you have about yourself creep up to the surface.

cause big city life is fun/tough it out

Sometimes I worry that I'm regressing to a past self: lately I've had a lot of difficulty saying "no" to people, a problem that I had to deal with a lot my first few years of high school. Luckily I became friends with Steph, and that little problem sorted itself out. It's been popping up again, so hopefully a few weeks with her at Christmas will wipe it out again. I hate being a pushover.

Went out with W. and a bunch of people for his birthday on Friday. While I'd been joking all night that I wanted him to barf that night, it was much less funny when it happened at 5 a.m. on his bedroom floor. It became waaaaaay less funny when it was clear that he was going to pass out again and had no intention of cleaning it up. It became not funny at all when I found myself kneeling on the floor with a pile of tissues, cleaning up his puke. On the plus side, we'd been at Brutopia for raspberry beer, so it didn't even smell that bad, which is the only thing that kept me from tossing my cookies, which is normally what happens when someone barfs around me.

Part of it is such a weird relationship: because he works at a bar, he's used to staying up until 4 in the morning, and then sleeping until 2 pm the next day; whereas I prefer to sleep at 1 am, and wake up at 10 and get shit done during the day. So there's like, an 11 hour period where we're both awake that overlaps.

I have my only exam on Tuesday, open book. I must say, I've had much less inclination to study lately. After I handed in my last paper, all I've wanted to do is sleep, watch movies, and listen to music. I swore I'd study this afternoon, but it looks like more of the same. I haven't had enough sleep lately, so I'll probably nap in the afternoon, and then get down to work. Except W's going to call when he wakes up, and most likely will distract me by bringing me food or something.

i read the news today/oh boy/about a lucky man who made the grade

a day in the life: December 8th, 2005

wake up 10:30.

make breakfast.

shower.

watch tv.

do nails.

have lunch.

go grocery shopping.

call W.

read Vogue.

W comes over.

W and I lounge around in my bed.

make tea.

talk W into watching an episode of Veronica Mars with me.

accidently knee W in the groin while making out. laugh about it for the next 15 minutes.

go get all-you-can-eat sushi with P.Ho, Al, Rose, and W.

get home, lie on couch because so disgustingly full.

get phone call from E, who wants to go to Tokyo.

drink half a bottle of wine, get dressed, and head off to Tokyo.

drink three gin and tonics, smoke 4 cigs, shake my booty.

home by 2 am, W knocks on the window at 4:15 am, when he's done work. let him in, go back to sleep.

exciting, huh?

if you twist and turn away/if you tear yourself in two again

the travelling blog pt. 2

Went down to Kensington Market today with P. She's so tiny and cute, but can pack in food better than anyone else I know. We just wandered around the various secondhand stores, she bought a dress. I purchased my most favourite hat ever. It's a toque, black, with cat ears attached to the top and ear flaps with pom pom strings attached to tie under your chin. I love it already; I was walking home from the Eaton Centre and saw a cute dude who totally smiled at me when he saw my hat. Adorable.

Still can't find what I want to buy W for his birthday. I know exactly what it looks like in my head, but can't find it in any stores here, for some bizarro reason. This means that I'm going to have to go shopping in Montreal on Thursday, which I'm not exactly looking forward to. I mean, I love to shop but it'll be my sixth day shopping in a row.

I got back to B's house a half hour ago, and my legs are still trying to defrost. This weather is a bitch, and I need a cute winter jacket since I usually use my snowboarding one. Maybe that's what I'll ask for for Christmas. And boots. Mmmm...I love making my Christmas wish list. Anyways, dinner tonight with B, some drinking, and then it's back to Montreal tomorrow. I actually miss my city a lot, it's so much smaller than Toronto, and I know where everything is. It'll be weird to not actually live in Montreal next year.

here by my side/it's heaven/careful, be careful

the travelling blog pt 1.

I'm in the T. today. Well, have been since Thursday. I hung out with Danny for a couple of days at his place in Scarborough, then went over to Phil's for one night to chill with him, and am now at Brian's place, where I will spend the next two days before heading back to Montreal. Brian's at work today, and I have a Marketing Planning paper that's due in two days, but I decided to do it all in one go this afternoon.

I'm sitting in a giant overstuffed green chair, drinking my fourth glass of orange juice today (yeah, i know), remembering why curiosity killed the cat. I should know better. Enough about that though, the past few days have been an awesome vacation from everything at school. I just chilled and talked with Danny, did some shopping, etc. Went to the Green Room with Phil, which was amazing...we talked and got tipsy, reminiscing about old times like when we got drunk in England and he pretended to be a speedbump. just chilled and talked with Brian yesterday, until I fell asleep in the Wasteland, and here i am, overstuff green chair, listening to Matt Good while fat snowflakes slowly curl towards the ground outside. I aim to be done this paper in five hours, if only I could stop staring at a blank Word screen and start writing it. I'm so ready to be done with this school term, all the work that went along with it. I've never worked so hard for such mediocre grades ever.

I'm so excited to go home to Ottawa, too. I haven't seen my friends in forever: everyone since Thanksgiving, Aila since the end of July, which feels like forever ago. I'm ready to just drink and laugh and play Scrabble and Monopoly and cards with my family, and hang out with my friends, and be stupid and happy with people I feel so comfortable around. I want to wake up at noon and call Aila and go Christmas shopping, or just be lazy around the house and read magazines and make grilled cheese. I'm ready to drive the five blocks over to Steph's house and watch stupid movies starring Brittany Murphy while we swear we'll never rent anything she's in ever again. I'm ready to read five novels in five days, I'm ready to decorate the tree while listening to really bad music on my Pod, I'm ready to hear my parent's terrible Czech Christmas music, and I'm ready to watch the big, flat-screen TV until four in the morning, and I'm definitely ready to watch some Soccer Saturday with my dad. I'm already craving my mom's Christmas cookies, and potato salad and the other delicious things that only get made at this time of year. I'm ready to go home.

wake up call, coffee and juice/remembering you

i'm not sure where this is going to go. it's three a.m. and i should technically be working on a paper that's due tomorrow, but instead of structured flow and sentence form, i decided to freewrite anything that popped into my head in my little corner of space.

i'm in my room on a wednesday night. wade's turned me into a night owl. we regularily stay up until two, three in the morning, and every night when we go to bed; i toss and turn until exhaustion eventually overtakes me and i pass out. i'm not used to people sleeping in my bed with me consistently. it still freaks me out in the morning to wake up with someone next to me. and at the same time, when i go home and sleep by myself now, my bed feels too big for me. after only a week.

i realized how much i've grown up in the last few years. i mean, technically it should be no surprise since i've been living on my own for four years; but i'm just surprised at the insights that come out of my mouth these days.