spoiled like bad milk

being at home feels like being at camp because you get to spend all day in a bathing suit and swim whenever you want to.

there are place i remember/all my life, though some have changed

in exactly 12 hours, i'll be walking across a stage and picking up my diploma. twenty four hours after that, i will no longer be a resident of Montreal.

my dad cried today. i've seen him cry exactly once before this, but today he told me that i've grown into an amazing person. it made me cry at the time, and i still tear up thinking about it. i said bye to alana last night, and managed not to cry because it didn't exactly feel real. i did my usual walk tonight, up st laurent, down mount royal, and down st denis, back to my house. i can't believe i won't roam these streets anymore. i can't believe that someone else will be living in this house, that someone else lived here before i spent three years in this bedroom. selfishly enough, i can't believe that this city will keep existing without me here. there's so many things that i learned to love: my tiny yoga studio, the all you can eat sushi place, the health food store that sells amazing shower gel, all my bars and clubs and favourite haunts, the walks that i took, the tiny places up in the Plateau that i discovered, the old port.

i love this place. it feels like home. in the four years i spent here, i learned so much. i cried a lot, and laughed ten times more than that. i walked everywhere. i spent time at school, and time holed up in my bedroom. there were days when i couldn't wait to face the world, and days where i wanted to hide in bed. i loved, and fought, and kissed, and hugged, and smiled. i hated, and did stupid things, and made a million mistakes, and learned to get over things, and laugh about things, and think things through. i made friends and lost friends and found old friends. i always thought that high school would be my defining period, and when i finished, i'd have everything figured out. now i know that not everything can get figured out and if it does, new problems cross out. i've changed so much that i can't even recognize the changes in my life.

it's amazing to be standing on the cusp of something so big. i feel so trite and stereotypical and i know that every other graduate has felt this way. but when it happens to you, you can't help but feel like that cheesy old saying is true: "today is the first day of the rest of your life."

an open letter

dear hot yoga,

im going to start this off by saying i love you. i know that might scare you off, that i'm being too emotional and needy, but i do. i just can't help myself. i've been burned by other brief flings: running on the treamill (who broke up with me by breaking my kneecaps), the elliptical machine (who just ended up not being enough for me), and my flirtation with pilates (no subsitute for you). i thought i had tried it all and was destined to be alone until i came across you and now i don't know how to live without you. you make me feel alive and healthy. you make me want to be a better person. i love you, hot yoga. yes, you.

yours forever and ever and ever,
n.

double post tonight

i've been ignoring this as of late, a little bit because things are happening in real life that i'm trying to adjust to, but also revelations that i want to keep to myself for a little while.

it's kind of fun, like walking around holding a secret that no one else knows. it's common knowledge to my close friends that i smile a lot, usually at something i find funny/odd/weird/endearing in my head, but i know won't translate if i try to explain it to someone else. they'll either end up looking at me like i'm from another planet, or offer a half geniune laugh. it's better to just say nothing and secretly tuck the thought away into a tiny corner of my brain.

brian came into town this weekend, and it's always good to see him. talking to him online every day doesn't substitute for having one of your closest friends in the same room as you, and being able to laugh at something stupid or be honest about something, or even sit in comfortable silence. there's many people in my life where if i don't see them for a while, i begin to imagine good qualities that they don't actually have, and then miss them more than i should. not brian though. he is the most singularily genuine, thoughtful, caring, real person that i know. i value his friendship almost more than anyone else's. plus, he brought me a llama from Peru. how many people can say that about their best friend?

lazy of me, i know....

but Lydia got married.

Congratulations darling, the pictures looked lovely. I wish you a world of laughter, joy, and happiness.

ahhh, teenlit.

"i write entirely to find out what i'm thinking. what i'm looking at, what i see and what i means. what i want and what i fear." joan didion

i wish i could have written this:
"nothing is permanent, espeially people. strangers become friends. friends become lovers. lovers become strangers. strangers become friends once more, and over, and over."
charmed thirds by megan mccafferty

you can be the sleeping cure/and i'll memorize subversive literature

things i love:
crabtree and evelyn La Source hand therapy cream
matthew good, especially the older stuff
"Amaretto Style" liquor, available for purchase from the corner store
St Ives apricot facial scrub
my new giant brown tote from Aldo
flip flops
white eyelet skirts
wooden bracelets
blowing bubbles on E's front porch on sunny afternoons
The Tao of Pooh
gmail
being able to wear my new year's dress again to grad ball
fresh highlights
hand-me-down vintage heels from my mom
music that makes you want to get up and dance
playing with makeup
goofy pictures
celebrity gossip websites
getting to know new people
sunshine and big sunglasses


there are parts of graduating that are really weird. mostly the part where you don't actually feel like you're graduating, and thus don't feel like your goodbyes are actually real. even worse, there's some people that you don't get the chance to see one last time, and it doesn't really sink in that you aren't going to see them ever again. i'll go through the grad ball, and grad ceremony with the expectation that i'll be here again next year, and it won't really sink in until September comes around and i realize that i won't be back.

so the walls are getting barer, and one of my roommates has already moved out, but it's like my brain is in denial. the fact that i haven't started looking for jobs doesn't help much. right now my concerns are getting through War and Peace and having my sprained foot heal so i can go do some Bikram yoga. oh, and ignoring the giant pile of laundry currently sitting on my floor. and having lunch with people to say goodbye and then flippantly insisting that i'll see them again sometime.

happy.

so sleepy, but just had one of those quietly joyful days where you ponder various theories on life and thought i'd jot some down.

sometimes i forget about how blessed i am in several areas of my life. i try to not take my friends for granted, make sure they know how important they are, how much the contribute to my life. i use the words "i love you" an obscene amount with them, mostly because, well, i do, and i'm a firm believer in letting people know that.

but days like these, where i'm quietly content to be alone, and recharge my energy are invaluable to my happiness. most people don't know how to deal with me when i'm quiet, because i'm normally so goofy and loud and silly, and i don't often get quiet with people i don't know well or aren't comfortable yet. so then they don't know how to deal with me screening calls, and being inside, and having my headphones on, and not looking people in the eye. sometimes i punk out, and then days like these happen.

i used to hardcore be into alternative therapies and workouts, like yoga and reiki massage and energy sources and chakras, etc. and part of me deep down still believes in treating yourself well, and in the healing power of touch and love, and introspection. there's time where i catch myself being a not so great person, and i try to learn from my mistakes and push myself to be a better daughter, friend, person. this driving obsession to be better, or nicer, or more thoughful towards others sometimes can hinder the learning experience. however, one of the very few things i don't understand in human nature is how people can let themselves become selfish, and closed off, and mean.

sleepy now.