sometimes a girl wants to dance

and lately when i want to dance, it's to Kelis' "Bossy".

rachel summed it up best, i think: "when i hear that song, it makes me want a dyed poodle"

Kelis is just that fucking cool. plus she's married to Nas.

also, so fun to sing "i'm bossy!"

i'll miss you more than you ever know.

steph moves tomorrow. it shouldn't seem like such a big deal, since we've spent the last four years in different cities, but ottawa to montreal is miles away from toronto to calgary. literally. i've known her for nine years, almost a decade. she's been my best friend for six. thinking about her leaving makes me tear up, even though i'm not in the same city as her right now. she's always been there when i've gotten home, and maybe it's selfish but that's where i always expected her to stay.

before steph, and aila, and heather, i used to fight with my best friends a lot. there was one friend in particular (who shall remain nameless) who would go weeks at a time without speaking to me because of something i had done, and i eventually thought that this was a normal thing that girls did. i have never fought with any of my girls since then, and realized how much easier it was when there's no complications. there's always an aura of security, safety, and love when they're around.

we had gone up to heath's cottage before i left for toronto (missing aila very much, who was in syracuse), and heath, steph and i snuggled in the hammock, and slept all in the king sized bed together and chatted all night. we talked about non-serious things like boys, and crushes, and food, and drinks that we love, and jokes that we made in the past. we talked about serious things like being scared, and being sad, and being unsure, and boys and crushes. steph drove back home with me that monday morning, and we still hadn't run out of things to discuss or laugh at or point out to one another.

i consider her a sister. she knows everything about me. i know that she loves me, even though we don't say it very often. she's the first person i call in an emergency, or when i find something really funny. i can't even count the phone messages over the past six years, drunken and giggling or sober and crying. or drunken and crying, for that matter. i can tell her things i'm scared to admit to myself. i'm proud of her for everything she's accomplished in the past years, and i know she's proud of me. she knows almost everything about cooking, and first aid, and decorating. she gets a lazy quebecois french eye when she drinks. she likes pirate jokes as much as i do. we're not very sentimental with each other unless it matters. i love her very, very, very, very much, and will miss her almost as much as i love her.

spend your time waiting for anyone to see

quick notes and things i love:

- the enjoyment of knowing i'll see lydia soon and get all caught up
- finally living in the same city as phil
- the hills' season finally next week....y'all, heidi made so much sense this week about relationships and breakups...mad props to her
- going out for drinks with e and talking and having her listen and tell me what to do and tell me about her life
- Anna Nalick's song In The Rough (stupid and guilty pleasure music)
- finally getting my bearings around toronto
- my job! so great and fun and fantastic and everyone's so patient and lovely and kind
- knowing heath is here tomorrow
- that sense of finally being an adult and growing up and coming into my own and growing into the person i want to be.

so great.

so it's official. i'm off to the big city of toronto, canada in less than a week. i'm terrified. not terrified to live there, because it seems rather cool and fun and there's amazingly lovely places to shop and eat and drink and do yoga and hang out. i'm a little scared for my new job, and have been having those dreams where you show up naked to school, except i'm showing up naked to work. and i have these little nagging fits of psychosis, where i think "what if no one like me, and i dress wrong the first day, and i have to eat lunch all alone for the rest of my life". so it's rather much like being anxious for the first day of a new school, and i remember it rather well from high school and then university.

dropped dad off at physio yesterday, and of course the only thing to do was to go shopping. ended up here and bought jewelry from these people. it's a beautiful silver circle necklace, but now i'm coveting the angel wing pendant. luckily they have stores in toronto, so happy birthday to myself once i get settled in.

as a result, i've been trying to spend as much time as possible with my ladies before we all split off into different directions. aila's already in syracuse, and her abscence is greatly felt. it's difficult, because she's always been far away, so i'm kind of used to it. i'm not used to steph being gone. probably one of the harder things about this summer will be saying bye to her. we hung out today, and there's so much great stuff there: comfortable silences, laughing at the same jokes and pushing them really far so we're the only people in the room that still find them funny, gorging on junk food. i know over the past few years we've grown apart a little bit, but there's always this underlying security that she's going to be there, and i hope that never disappears.

so i have to quickly finish my to-do list, and drive down to toronto this weekend to look for a 2 bedroom apartment. me and heath found our dream home online, so keep your fingers crossed for us.