y'all, i have a confession to make: i cried at the waxer today.
i hadn't been in about a month, and so she innocently asked how my last month had been, and it all came spilling out; the breakup, but what started the tears was telling her my godmother had died. the thing is, i hadn't talked about it with anyone since it happened, and didn't know how much the words would still affect me if i said them out loud. i still think about it a lot, and about how things will be different now when i'm home, and what she won't see.
she was a large part in my life. for example, this easter, my parents will be in China on vacation, and i'd normally go home for a week if i didn't have exams. if that had happened this year, i would have been at their house at least twice for dinner in those 7 days, and i would know if i needed anything, i could just march over and ask.
so i started to cry, sitting there in my underwear, with a lamp shining down on me, and my esthetician trying to hug me, wax in one hand, strip of cloth in the other. the humour wasn't lost on either of us, me laughing and crying at the same time, and her looking at me with the right mix of concern and sadness. the best thing? i didn't feel weird, or crazy; in fact, it only made me feel better.
obviously, with all this going on, i've still been thinking about loss. the hardest part in the last month with w, hasn't necessarily been missing the boyfriend. i mean, i miss that, and the hand holding and the comfort and the snuggling and the sex; but i miss one of my best friends. i miss the person i would call when A upset me, and i miss having dinner or going to drinks and talking, that i would just be completely comfortable with this person. there was an ease in not being conscious of what i said, or how i acted, or how i was sitting, or how i was dressed that day.
the biggest thing is the lack of concern i had in telling him everything about me, and the huge amount of trust i had for this person. i felt like i could say anything to him, and he wouldn't judge me, and he wouldn't tell anyone and that's the only way i can be close friends with someone, to be best friends with someone, is to have that feeling. and now that feeling is gone, and there's stuff that i wouldn't admit to him, or wouldn't tell him because of how it would make me feel. before all this happened, i let myself be vulnerable because i trusted him, and then i let myself be open and honest when we dated because, well, we were dating, and now i feel like i can't be vulnerable or open with him anymore because that would show weakness, and i never want him to see me be weak again.
that's the Valkyrie in me.
