sometimes things surprise me when they really shouldn't. lately i've been having to learn to connect with friends again. the thing is, sometimes time and distance seperates you, and sometimes it's just a lack of effort which affects friendship.
that's when you have to learn to rebuild, sometimes affecting the structure or intensity of the relationship that you once had. awkwardness where there used to be comfortable silence, learning to read gestures and speech inflections when in the past words wouldn't have even been needed.
i went out to dinner with a really old friend of mine tonight. we used to play together when we were little, until she moved to vancouver. she came back to ottawa to do her master's degree at the university of ottawa and my parents have had her over for dinner several times while i've been away at school. she was over again before they left for china and suggested we get together while they were gone. so we went for dinner tonight and the conversation was amazing. it's really surreal to think that we used to be such good friends, losing contact and thinking i'd never really see her again, and then going out for dinner and resdicovering the connection that we used to share.
the thing is, sometimes i become complacent in my friendships, letting people contact me when they have time, thinking that they're busy and they'll call me when they can, or want to make contact. and i honestly believe that sometimes it's necessary, that people need to see that friendship goes more than one way and that they need to contact me every once in a while. but sometimes i can forget that it works the other way around for me too, that i need to keep contact with ones i love or else regret the regression in our relationship. so i'm hoping to rebuild some less than stellar relationships; i just have to remember to be patient and not push, or expect too much.
April 24, 2006
April 14, 2006
April 13, 2006
day 1
ah, good old ottawa.
in an attempt to expand my mind, and continue down the path i started when i was busy with school, i am attempting to watch no mindless television while home on vacation. this will prove to be a difficult challenge, so i've decided to set down the rules here, in hopes that it'll mean i'll follow them more closely.
1) Mindless means unplanned, firstly. Unplanned means sitting down just to click on the tv to see what's on.
2) Mindless means stupid. Even if I know that a certain show is on, but it's completely a waste of my time to watch (aka the O.C.), there will be no watching of said show.
3) Veronica Mars, and Grey's Anatomy are allowed. V.Mars because it's my favourite show, and Grey's because it gives me an excuse to cry every week.
4) Jeopardy is allowed, because I learn from watching Jeopardy.
5) Documentaries on the Discovery Channel are allowed, for the same reason as Jeopardy.
6) Rented movies are allowed.
Instead there will be books, running outside, surfing the Net, looking for jobs, working on my CV, and hanging out with friends.
in an attempt to expand my mind, and continue down the path i started when i was busy with school, i am attempting to watch no mindless television while home on vacation. this will prove to be a difficult challenge, so i've decided to set down the rules here, in hopes that it'll mean i'll follow them more closely.
1) Mindless means unplanned, firstly. Unplanned means sitting down just to click on the tv to see what's on.
2) Mindless means stupid. Even if I know that a certain show is on, but it's completely a waste of my time to watch (aka the O.C.), there will be no watching of said show.
3) Veronica Mars, and Grey's Anatomy are allowed. V.Mars because it's my favourite show, and Grey's because it gives me an excuse to cry every week.
4) Jeopardy is allowed, because I learn from watching Jeopardy.
5) Documentaries on the Discovery Channel are allowed, for the same reason as Jeopardy.
6) Rented movies are allowed.
Instead there will be books, running outside, surfing the Net, looking for jobs, working on my CV, and hanging out with friends.
April 11, 2006
december 26th, 2005
one of the reasons i love the English Patient so much is the way the author writes. I'd never been able to really convey the feeling of the way i read, completely occupied by the book, and then i read this passage from the book (and yes, I googled it, because it was bothering me):
"she entered the story knowing she would emerge from it feeling she had been immersed in the lives of others, in places that stretched back twenty years, her body full of sentences and moments, as if awaking from a sleep with a heaviness caused by unremembered dreams."
that's exactly how i feel after reading, full of memories that aren't mine, or that aren't real, like i've been in someone else's life for too long, and it generally lasts the entire day and makes me quiet and thoughtful and want to be alone, or in a general state of quietness, hence me hiding from my family now. i miss montreal, where leela and alison know when to leave me alone, i miss the freedom of moving however i want through my house, or getting up when i want to, or going for a late-night snack at 1 am with Leela.
"she entered the story knowing she would emerge from it feeling she had been immersed in the lives of others, in places that stretched back twenty years, her body full of sentences and moments, as if awaking from a sleep with a heaviness caused by unremembered dreams."
that's exactly how i feel after reading, full of memories that aren't mine, or that aren't real, like i've been in someone else's life for too long, and it generally lasts the entire day and makes me quiet and thoughtful and want to be alone, or in a general state of quietness, hence me hiding from my family now. i miss montreal, where leela and alison know when to leave me alone, i miss the freedom of moving however i want through my house, or getting up when i want to, or going for a late-night snack at 1 am with Leela.
everything is alright.
an incredible past two days:
last night, went to see an acoustic show with leela: matt good and melissa mcclelland was opening for him. needless to say, both were amazing. there's something so cool about acoustic shows, how all the layers to songs are stripped down to the bare essentials, and how the performer's voice becomes so much more of an instrument than usual. both were flawless, and powerful, and matt good told funny stories about porn tapes, and growing up in vancouver and going to the arcade.
got home, and talked to erin on the phone before crashing into bed. i then woke up at noon today, and erin called right after to see if i wanted to go to the laundromat and read in the restaurant next to it. so we went, and i finally finished Machiavelli's The Prince (which is small, but I've kept rereading the first five pages and getting sidetracked). we then decided that it was such a nice day, we should go rollerblading all the way down to Olympic Stadium, and then getting kicked out of the Botanical Gardens because you can't rollerblade in it. we're such badasses. went for lunch at Rockaberry but didn't have any pie, instead ate a delicious wrap and salad and Diet Coke, and then headed to Java U for coffee (no wonder I spend so much money in this stupid city).
came home, talked to Phil online for a while and then went and sat on my stoop (i looove when the weather is nice enough to sit on the stoop) and read some more. now I just have to go and get ready to go for all you can eat sushi with Allen, then home to pack and get ready to go back to Ottawa tomorrow, for a little while.
I love days like these.
last night, went to see an acoustic show with leela: matt good and melissa mcclelland was opening for him. needless to say, both were amazing. there's something so cool about acoustic shows, how all the layers to songs are stripped down to the bare essentials, and how the performer's voice becomes so much more of an instrument than usual. both were flawless, and powerful, and matt good told funny stories about porn tapes, and growing up in vancouver and going to the arcade.
got home, and talked to erin on the phone before crashing into bed. i then woke up at noon today, and erin called right after to see if i wanted to go to the laundromat and read in the restaurant next to it. so we went, and i finally finished Machiavelli's The Prince (which is small, but I've kept rereading the first five pages and getting sidetracked). we then decided that it was such a nice day, we should go rollerblading all the way down to Olympic Stadium, and then getting kicked out of the Botanical Gardens because you can't rollerblade in it. we're such badasses. went for lunch at Rockaberry but didn't have any pie, instead ate a delicious wrap and salad and Diet Coke, and then headed to Java U for coffee (no wonder I spend so much money in this stupid city).
came home, talked to Phil online for a while and then went and sat on my stoop (i looove when the weather is nice enough to sit on the stoop) and read some more. now I just have to go and get ready to go for all you can eat sushi with Allen, then home to pack and get ready to go back to Ottawa tomorrow, for a little while.
I love days like these.
April 08, 2006
with or without you
so, i finally finished school. four years of university, five years of high school, two years of middle school, and eight years of elementary. i'd count preschool, but that mostly consisted of playing in sand and dry rice, and fingerpainting pictures of our house for my parents, so i guess it doesn't really count. i thought it'd feel more final than it does, the fact that i have no idea where i'll be in a month and a half, in what city, doing what job, living in what apartment, and hanging out with which friends. it's terrifying, but i thought it would feel more...tangible, i suppose. even the fact that i have no real reason to wake up in the morning for two months is terrifying.
i have some plans though: there's a stack of books on my table to read, a list of movies to see, kilometers to run, yoga to do, food to cook. i want this sort of to be a sabbatical from life, a chance to do things i normally wouldn't do during a vacation. even last summer, with frosh and summer school, i had things to do. i've never just had unlimited free time, where i can take time for me, and just relax and learn and open myself up to the universe.
sometimes knowing this space exists freaks me out. i realize it'll be an invaluable tool next year, wherever i am, but right now....freaky. i talked with drew last night, about various life theories, and of how he thinks of me, or rather, how people in general think of me. it's always disarming to hear how someone else sees your behaviour, especially when they can't read the motive behind it. i've been trying to remind myself lately of that: that we are who we pretend to be. maybe honesty is even pretend, since you're never completely honest with anyone.
i can't wait to go home for a while in april. i'll have the house to myself, and can do whatever i want for about two weeks. if the weather's warm, i can climb out onto the roof the way i used to in high school, with the phone to talk to people if i want to, and only the expansive sky and shining stars above me. i can wander around the house at 2 am, loving the way that it never gets completely dark, and go sit in the kitchen with tea. i can sleep in my parents bed, the place where i get the best sleep of my life, because it always warded off the monsters under the bed and the scaryness that prevailed in my nightmares. i can go and run in Bruce Pit, just by hopping over the fence. i can blast music as loud as i wish and take two hour baths. i can build up the Wasteland and wallow in it for days at a time, making only grilled cheese and hot dogs for food. i can be alone, or surrounded by people that know me best, who know my moods and silences, and know the exact way to make me laugh.
i have some plans though: there's a stack of books on my table to read, a list of movies to see, kilometers to run, yoga to do, food to cook. i want this sort of to be a sabbatical from life, a chance to do things i normally wouldn't do during a vacation. even last summer, with frosh and summer school, i had things to do. i've never just had unlimited free time, where i can take time for me, and just relax and learn and open myself up to the universe.
sometimes knowing this space exists freaks me out. i realize it'll be an invaluable tool next year, wherever i am, but right now....freaky. i talked with drew last night, about various life theories, and of how he thinks of me, or rather, how people in general think of me. it's always disarming to hear how someone else sees your behaviour, especially when they can't read the motive behind it. i've been trying to remind myself lately of that: that we are who we pretend to be. maybe honesty is even pretend, since you're never completely honest with anyone.
i can't wait to go home for a while in april. i'll have the house to myself, and can do whatever i want for about two weeks. if the weather's warm, i can climb out onto the roof the way i used to in high school, with the phone to talk to people if i want to, and only the expansive sky and shining stars above me. i can wander around the house at 2 am, loving the way that it never gets completely dark, and go sit in the kitchen with tea. i can sleep in my parents bed, the place where i get the best sleep of my life, because it always warded off the monsters under the bed and the scaryness that prevailed in my nightmares. i can go and run in Bruce Pit, just by hopping over the fence. i can blast music as loud as i wish and take two hour baths. i can build up the Wasteland and wallow in it for days at a time, making only grilled cheese and hot dogs for food. i can be alone, or surrounded by people that know me best, who know my moods and silences, and know the exact way to make me laugh.
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