so, i finally finished school. four years of university, five years of high school, two years of middle school, and eight years of elementary. i'd count preschool, but that mostly consisted of playing in sand and dry rice, and fingerpainting pictures of our house for my parents, so i guess it doesn't really count. i thought it'd feel more final than it does, the fact that i have no idea where i'll be in a month and a half, in what city, doing what job, living in what apartment, and hanging out with which friends. it's terrifying, but i thought it would feel more...tangible, i suppose. even the fact that i have no real reason to wake up in the morning for two months is terrifying.
i have some plans though: there's a stack of books on my table to read, a list of movies to see, kilometers to run, yoga to do, food to cook. i want this sort of to be a sabbatical from life, a chance to do things i normally wouldn't do during a vacation. even last summer, with frosh and summer school, i had things to do. i've never just had unlimited free time, where i can take time for me, and just relax and learn and open myself up to the universe.
sometimes knowing this space exists freaks me out. i realize it'll be an invaluable tool next year, wherever i am, but right now....freaky. i talked with drew last night, about various life theories, and of how he thinks of me, or rather, how people in general think of me. it's always disarming to hear how someone else sees your behaviour, especially when they can't read the motive behind it. i've been trying to remind myself lately of that: that we are who we pretend to be. maybe honesty is even pretend, since you're never completely honest with anyone.
i can't wait to go home for a while in april. i'll have the house to myself, and can do whatever i want for about two weeks. if the weather's warm, i can climb out onto the roof the way i used to in high school, with the phone to talk to people if i want to, and only the expansive sky and shining stars above me. i can wander around the house at 2 am, loving the way that it never gets completely dark, and go sit in the kitchen with tea. i can sleep in my parents bed, the place where i get the best sleep of my life, because it always warded off the monsters under the bed and the scaryness that prevailed in my nightmares. i can go and run in Bruce Pit, just by hopping over the fence. i can blast music as loud as i wish and take two hour baths. i can build up the Wasteland and wallow in it for days at a time, making only grilled cheese and hot dogs for food. i can be alone, or surrounded by people that know me best, who know my moods and silences, and know the exact way to make me laugh.
