sometimes i shy away from writing extremely personal things here, but then i figure that this is to keep those that are far from me updated on my life, and feelings, and thoughts as they happen; so i've decided to share this.
my godmother died today. i still can't say that without tearing up, i can't even think it without crying. an hour goes by, and i'll think that i can't cry anymore and then the tears surprise me by flowing again. she was an extraordinary woman: strong, and vivacious, and loud, and funny, and full of love and kisses and hugs. i could write about how she made the best salads, how she always played with us when we were kids and in fact, invented the best game ever called Cross the Tickle Line, or how she laughed loudly and often. i could write about how she gave me one of my favourite pieces of jewelry ever: a necklace with a monogram charm, or the way that she encouraged me to just walk into their house whenever i pleased, back in days before everyone locked their front door when they were home. but writing about all this won't bring her back, nor will it show the extent to which i loved her, to the extent that we all loved her.
i'm scared to go home, because right now it's a just a theory, a possibility that she won't be there. but going home will make this all real, and i'm afraid that i'll feel it more tangibly, when it already hurts my heart so much i can barely tolerate it.
